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Dysfunctional Families of the Bible

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Author/Source: Roger Fields

Topic: Humor, Families

Does your family feel dysfunctional? Turns out you're in good company. You could even be Biblical ... 

So your family’s not perfect. It turns out you might be more biblical than you think. Take a look at these dysfunctional Bible families.

  1. FIRST FAM: Wifey (Eve) tricked Hubby (Adam) into disobeying God. Then things got really bad when one of their boys (Cain) killed the other one (Abel). Then Cain ran away to avoid prosecution. His mug was probably the first picture on a milk carton.
  2. NOAH’S FAM: Noah saved his family from the flood and then got naked and plastered. Evidently, sailing around on a flooded earth in a barge full of animals was a bit stressful. Noah didn’t appreciate the fact that one of his boys (Ham) mocked him for his naked drunk condition, so he cursed his son. There is no record that Ham attended Thanksgiving dinner with the family that year.
  3. ABRAHAM’S FAM: God promised a child to an elderly couple (Abram and Sarai). Abram was not ready to wait on Sarai to get pregnant so he had sex with her maid, Hagar. (With the name “Hagar”, she must have been a real cutie.) Hagar got pregnant, had a son (Ishmael) and then made fun of Sarah (she had a name change, so did her husband) for not being able to get pregnant. Hagar and Ishmael left because they were no longer welcome in that happy family.
  4. LOT’S FAM: This brainiac tried to give his two daughters over to a bunch of homosexual hooligans.
  5. ISAAC’S FAM: Jacob (one of Isaac’s twin boys) swindled Esau (the other twin) out of his birthright by lying to dad with the help of his mother Rebecca. Esau—understandably—then wanted to kill his brother. So Jacob ran away to live with his crazy Uncle Laban, who tricked him into marrying his less-than-gorgeous daughter, Leah. Then as a goodwill gesture, Laban threw in his hot daughter, Rachel, to smooth things over.
  6. JACOB’S FAM: Jacob had 12 boys and decided to buy one of the younger ones, Joseph, a designer coat. That didn’t sit well with the other brothers. So instead of leaving him out of family football, they decided to throw him into a hole and planned to kill him. One brother, Judah, was more reasonable and talked them into merely selling him as a slave to a band of Egyptian thugs. They told dad an animal killed him.
  7. KING SAUL: Israel’s first king (Saul) was jealous of the popularity of a shepherd boy (David) and became obsessed with killing him. Saul’s son Jonathan protected his best friend David, choosing his friend over his dad. Dad and son became estranged. That was not a display of family unity.
  8. KING DAVID’S FAM: King David had a fling with his next-door neighbor, got her pregnant and killed her husband to cover it up. The baby died. Later one of his sons (Absalom) betrayed him.
  9. SOLOMON’S FAM: The “smartest” guy in the world had a palace full of wives. ('nuff said)
  10. JESUS’ FAM: Jesus’ parents (Mary and Joseph) left their son (Jesus) behind on a road trip to Jerusalem. They somehow missed the fact that the Son of God was no longer with them on the way home. They turned around and went back for him. They found him in the temple and made him get back in the wagon.


PAUL’S FAM: Actually, Paul the Apostle never got married or had a family. That’s right. The original church planter and primary author of the New Testament opted out of the whole “fam” thing. Maybe he read an article similar to this one around 40 A.D.

So the next time you are tempted to feel like your family’s a failure, read this over.

This post is located in the following zone(s): ArticlesHealthy MinistryHumor
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